It’s not that I’m a killjoy for Valentine’s Day, really – but why do we take one day a year to celebrate and reflect on love? It seems like a cheap way for emotionally-stunted men to sheepishly hand women a handful of flowers they just bought from the gas station as they mumble some kind words. Meanwhile, businesses make money off of all us chumps while we scratch our heads, still feeling weird and insecure.
Image from District of the Dead’s Facebook
In recent times, there’s been more of a backlash against Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, some brave haunted attraction owners are doing their best to offer an alternative to staring vacantly at your loved one over a candlelight dinner. Check out the following haunts and if you happen to be near one (lets say within a reasonable 8 hour drive), grab the severed hand of your dearly departed and prepare to have your heart ripped out by someone that isn’t your ex.
KIM’S KRYPT (Essex, MD)
Always creative, Kim’s Krypt has always come across as a fairly unconventional production in the best way possible. For starters, Kim’s Facebook page lures in visitors with an ominous statement of, “want to be touched?” – while it sounds weird, it is actually a literal statement as the haunt offers different levels as to how interactive you want to be with the characters. Furthering the interactive element, they also offer a kissing booth which we’re willing to wager involves you kissing a giant pile of cockroaches or something. Curiously, Kim’s Krypt strongly suggests you wear a poncho for some reason. We can only hope that famous watermelon smashing prop-comic, Gallagher, is the finale.
ST. ALBAN’S SANATORIUM (Radford, VA)
For three weekends, St. Alban’s Sanatorium offers a special event for the most twisted of lovers. The wonderfully titled NECROMANCE is centered around a creepy characters and gory scares. However, one thing that distinguishes this particular haunt from the others on this list is the fact that St. Alban’s Sanatorium is supposedly brimming with genuine paranormal activity.
CUTTING EDGE (Ft. Worth, TX)
A candlelight Valentine’s Day awaits freaks in the Dallas-Fort Worth area at Cutting Edge Haunted House – impressively labeled as “the world’s largest haunted house”. Although the details are scant, the two celebratory pale vampires below certainly build some definite intrigue.
With three separate Valentine’s Day themed haunted houses, upstate New York’s Final Fear and District of the Dead unite for the purposes of terrorizing you and your special friend. Dubbed “Eat Your Heart Out”, the haunt near Buffalo, NY will debut a brand new Chapel of Doom among other cool and unique new additions. To get a taste, here are a few pictures from their frightening “Love Shack”.
BLOOD MANOR (New York, NY)
Man, if there’s one thing we love in this business, it’s when haunts go the extra mile to promote their weird attractions. Blood Manor in NYC does an excellent job plugging their Valentine’s Day scare with horrific promotional videos and gory photos. We can only assume they’ve put in as much effort with their haunt actors, props, and scenes!
BRIGHTON ASYLUM (Passaic, NJ)
Hot on the heels of their holiday haunt, SANTA’S SLAY, Brighton Asylum in New Jersey keeps the scares going throughout the year with a bloody romantic haunt. I’m not certain if this is a standard for them, but they’ve instituted a fairly brilliant system where the actors will only touch you if you accept a glow necklace at the beginning. Pretty fool-proof, although in theory, if someone were to hide a glow necklace on their date….well, nevermind. Don’t do that.
ARX MORTIS (Killen, AL)
On their second year of Valentine’s haunts, Arx Mortis (located in the amazingly named Killen, Alabama) features over 50,000 square feet of terror. Rated as one of the top ten haunted houses in the country by Rand McNally, Arx Mortis offers a freak-show, mining theme, and a scary backwoods redneck area. What more could you ask for?
CASTLE BLOOD (Monessen, PA)
Entertaining since 1993 and beloved for it’s actor driven-scares, Castle Blood will also be providing a Valentine’s Day scare this year. But don’t forget to bring your formalwear for the masquerade ball with an award for best costume, begging the question, “what do you wear at a Valentine’s Day haunt?”.
As if Castle Blood wasn’t tempting enough, we also noticed those magical initials on the flyer: BYOB – the dream of every beer-swilling Minnesotan. Sounds like a killer party, indeed.
DARK HOUR (Plano, TX)
As you glance at the pictures, you’ll notice a “blindfold of thorns” placed over the eyes of Cupid and the two fiends licking a heart shaped box of worms. Appropriately, Dark Hour’s haunted house theme for the passion-fueled holiday is “Love is Blind”. Yikes.
SCARE KINGDOM (Blackburn, England)
Across the ocean, Scare Kingdom appears on another holiday haunt list with a vampire themed horror titled L’aMortis – House of Darkness. Not sure where the fetching lass with the beard comes in, but hey, we’re interested. Check out their description for more info:
” ‘Professor Van Helsing’ will be on hand to help guests survive the terror trial in the dark, arming them with candles to explore the 24 haunted environments, plagued with blood sucking beasts. Vampires from far and wide including the Malaysian ‘Penanggalan’, the Transylvanian ‘Count Dracula’ and the English ‘Vampire of Croglin Low’ are set to attend the sordid celebration…”
MOXLEY MANOR (Bedford, TX)
Despite our search, we were unable to uncover a wealth of information for Moxley Manor’s Valentine’s Day Massacre. However, given the video below, we’re positive it’s probably worth your time. Hell, maybe it’s better going into Moxley Manor without a clue as to what to expect.
KINGSBURY CEMETERY (Corning, NY)
Kingsbury Cementery in Corning, NY is another Valentine’s Day spectacle that we’re lacking details on. Contact us if you have any information or pictures to share.
THE SCAREHOUSE (Pittsburgh, PA)
The Scarehouse in Pittsburgh returns using their renowned basement of torture with an all new production. As with all basement events at the Scarehouse, guests must be 18 or older and have to sign a waiver if they’re willing to descend the stairs into madness. In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, “hold on to yinz butts.”
13TH FLOOR HAUNTED HOUSE (San Antonio, TX)
From what I gather, going to Valentine X means you’re going to be stalked and murdered by a giant plush teddy bear dressed in a tuxedo and wielding a knife. In other words, we love it. Plus, they’re the only haunt I’ve ever seen use a Joy Division song to promote their bloodied candy and roses event.