A recent statistic stated that 15% of women give themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day. While we find that figure questionably high, even if it’s half as many, it proves the amount of total oddballs wondering around on this lonely blue marble.
Even though Valentine’s day is far from our favorite holiday (it’s too costly to dress up our haunted house props like cupids), we’re aware that many of us have someone to answer to. Fortunately, if they’re in a relationship with someone who is reading a Halloween blog in February, they’re not quite right in the head. As a helpful guide in these confusing times, we’ve chosen to highlight some of the best Valentine’s Day gifts for weird people.
12. ZOMBIE UNDERWEAR (from Iron Fist)
If you’re looking to make an impression, then the underwear of the undead is sure to do it. While we uncovered this particularly awesome pair of underwear, we were a little disappointed by the lack of selection for more dudely-creatures. All we could find were a pair or two of The Walking Dead themed boxers and whatever these are supposed to mean.
11. A CORPSE FLOWER
Despite the misleading name, this flower is actually quite alive. Why just one single corpse flower, you ask? Because they’re gigantic, reaching over ten feet tall. Even if you had space for two of them, the Sumatran flower actually smells like a decomposing animal – certainly making you question your decision to buy even the first one.
10. BODY PART LOLLIPOPS (from Perpetual Kid)
Who wouldn’t want to suck on an eyeball or a green, rotting zombie finger? Isn’t that part of what love is all about – accepting your partner’s flaws, no matter how decaying they may be?
9. SNAKE WINE
Snake wine is typically produced by submerging snakes in rice wine or grain alcohol and is a specialty in places like China, Vietnam and Southeast Asia. Although you may not be able to choose what kind of snake goes into the vile potion, the idea is that the snake’s venom is actually neutralized by the alcohol. The drink is prized for it’s restorative properties.
A a similar beverage is snake blood wine, which sounds like a pretty badass southern rock band.
8. CRICKET CANDY (from CandyWarehouse)
These delectable little creatures come in three flavors similar to the terrifying snacks you already put in your body: bacon & cheese, salt & vinegar, and sour cream & onion. They’re an absolute hit for you and your adventurous partner as you explore exotic and erotic worlds together. Personally, here at FrightProps, we’ve decided to hold off until they’re an official Rap Snacks product.
7. TURN YOUR PRECIOUS MOMENT INTO A ZOMBIE PORTRAIT (ZombiePortraits.com)
Artist Rob Sacchetto has figured out a way to appease the rare romantic with a love of horror as well as a love for their partner. For a fee, Rob will create a horrific portrait based on an image that you provide using real, hand drawn art, not just slapping some sort of Photoshop filter over it. If these excellent pictures don’t convince you, perhaps learning that legendary horror icons Tom Savini (Friday the 13th, From Dusk Till Dawn) and George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead) both felt Sacchetto’s work was cool enough for them to proudly own.
6. SOMETHING WEIRD IN A JAR
If you haven’t been to one of those new fancy restaurants where instead of serving your food on fine china, they set it on a place-mat, then you’ve probably missed the latest craze of using mason jars. After you’re done eating your deep fried filet mignon, you’re presented a dessert menu with all sorts of things cooked into jars – cheesecake, brownies, tiramisu, etc. While these concepts are fun, they neglect one of the staple purposes of jars: storing disgusting dead things. This Valentine’s Day, try giving your loved one something disturbing that’s floating in liquid. Just don’t drop it.
5. A HORRIBLE VALENTINE
You’d be surprised at how many terrible Valentine’s Day cards there are out there. In fact, there’s so many that they probably deserve a post of their own. But the purpose of the horrible Valentine isn’t to upset your date (probably), it’s to revel in it’s awfulness and celebrate the sick sense of humor that you both share.
4. NAME A COCKROACH AFTER A LOVED ONE (from Bronx Zoo)
According to the Bronx Zoo, for a ten dollar donation, you can name a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach after that certain someone. Sure, yours may be one out of 58,000 cockroaches at the zoo, but isn’t the object of your affection a one in a million, at least?
While we feel like we hit a home-run with our Possessed Teddy prop, we do admit that maybe it’s the kind of thing that’s so cool that it’ll blow any Valentine’s Day gift that you receive out of the water. If you’re still looking for some sort of evil teddy bear, we found two places that make some cool mutilated teddy bears of their own.
2. ZOMBIE BEDSHEETS (from Etsy: GhoticDesigns)
A perfect way to spice up a dull lovelife or take your relationship to the next level. It’s the gift that says, “I’m thinking about you. In bed. With zombies.” It’s either a slam dunk or a faceplant into failure.
1. TEDDY BEAR STUFFED WITH METH (Huffington Post)
The title kind of says it all, right? Teddy bear. Stuffed with methamphetamine.